There were, sadly, only four series of Blackadder, which leads many of us who are devotees to try to write a fifth series, in the full and sad knowledge that even should it be marvelous it will never be more than a script (sob!). Here, for those who wish to read it, is what I wrote of it for my High School Creative Writing class. It's not a full episode, at least not yet, but it's better than nothing. I hope. When reading this, please remember my audience was almost totally BA illiterate. They'd seen only _Captain_Cook_ at this point (I later talked my teacher into letting me show _Beer_ too - they appreciated it more.) so that's why the whole synopsis type thingy (Wahey! "Thingy"! Sounds a bit rude, doesn't it!) at the beginning. And now, with no further ado:
Blackadder 5
Characters:
CEO/President: Melchitt (Stephen Fry) M
Vice-Presidents: Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) BA
Darling (Tim McInnery) D
Brown (Miranda Richardson) Br
BA's Aide: George (Hugh Laurie) G
BA's Secretary: Baldrick (Tony Robinson) Bd
Setting: Melchitt & Sons, Inc. (Trying to come up with a better name -
any ideas?)
Episode One: Merger Most Foul
Synopsis:
Blackadder learns of an upcoming merger between his company and
another, and sends Baldrick to buy stock in both companies.
Unfortunately, due to a tiff between the CEOs, it seems the deal is
going to fall through. Eventually, Blackadder saves it... only to
discover that Baldrick has purchased the wrong stocks.
Blackadder 5
Scene 1: Blackadder's office. Blackadder is at his desk, reading
a newspaper. There is a large window behind him, a large comfy chair (
in which he is sitting) behind his desk, and two less comfy looking
chairs in front of his desk. He is on at least the tenth floor. The
room is fairly large, and full of office-y stuff. On the desk are a
telephone and an intercom.
BA: (pressing intercom button, boredly.) Baldrick. (settles back
with paper, waits, nothing happens. Tries again.) Baldrick! (waits -
still nothing. Looks at intercom. Again.) Baldrick!! (sighs, gets
up, lays paper on desk, walks over and opens door to reception area.
Baldrick is at his desk, looking confused.)
Bd: Oh, hullo, sir! The oddest thing just happened... I heard a
voice from nowhere, calling to me. I think... it was my
great-grandfather Baldrick, returned from the grave.
BA: Oh god. If he's anything like you, Baldrick, it'd be no surprise
if he can't even manage to die properly. That was me calling you.
Bd: Oh, sir! You didn't tell me you were a ventriloquist! Do you do
parties?
BA: I'm not a ventriloquist, Baldrick, I used the intercom. It's a
device cunningly designed to let me call you into my office without
actually coming out here and dragging you bodily in.
Bd: So the voice I heard was you telling me to go into your office, then?
BA: Yes. (Baldrick stands up and tries to walk through the door to
BA's office - BA stops him.) Not now, I'm here now. And as long
as I am, I'll get my own coffee. God only knows what you'd do to it.
(BA walks over to the coffee machine set up on the table and pours
himself a cup.) Where's the milk?
Bd: We've run out. In that cup there's some milk substitute....
BA: Which is?
Bd: White-Out, sir.
BA: Ah.
Bd: It's quite good actually. I had it on my cereal this morning by
mistake. (BA looks as if he is about to comment; he is cut off by
George barging in.)
G: Tally ho, you lot! Absolutely smashing day out! Birds, trees,
clouds, small children with sticky lollipops... just makes me glad I'm
alive. (As he says this, he is pouring himself a cup of coffee... with
"milk" and sugar.)
BA: Well, that's one of us. What do you want, George?
G: Just popping in for my orders!. (He drinks some of his coffee,
makes a face, adds more "milk".) So, what do you want me to do today?
Some market research? Copy some documents? Help you pinpoint the
weak points of our competitors so we can move in for the kill?
(None of this is said sarcastically; he is full of earnest if
somewhat dim excitement.)
BA: As it happens, I do have a rather important assignment for you
today. It may be dangerous, but I'm sure you can handle it. I want
you...
G: Yes, sir?
BA: To go get us some milk.
G: Milk? But sir...
BA: Darling's probably got plenty - the way he drinks his coffee he
might as well just drink a milk-shake. Go pinch his.
G: But sir, you've got milk.
BA: If you take a close look I think you'll find that's correction
fluid, George. (George examines the "milk", looks at his almost
empty cup.)
G: Excuse me... (leaves, quickly.)
BA: Right, Balders, what's today's schedule?
Bd: Well, first I thought I'd have a little sandwich, and then maybe
go make copies of some of my body parts...
BA: I meant *my* schedule. And stay away from that copy machine; the
last thing we need around here is more of you. Now, my schedule
is...?
Bd: Oh, well, from now to 11 you have paperwork, then a phone call to
someone or other, then more paperwork until noon, then lunch, then
paperwork until three, then a board meeting until... there doesn't
seem to be a finishing time written here, sir.
BA: That's because they never end. They just keep dragging on and on
until Melchitt runs out of donuts. Last time I had to sit
through four hours of Darling whining about other people parking in
his parking spot. Would've been five if I hadn't manged to snag a
couple of Melchitt's cruellers. (George reenters, slightly flushed
and holding a very full wastepaperbasket.) George, what are you
doing?
G: I say, sir, that was jolly good fun! Almost like being a secret
agent, I expect!
BA: I sent you for milk, not rubbish. We've got plenty of useless
trash of our own. You and Baldrick, for example.
G: Oh, no sir! the dustbin was just a diversion.
BA: A diversion.
G: Well, yes. You see, I had ducked into Mr. Darling's office and I
was just about to walk out with his milk, when he walked in and said,
"What are you doing in here, George?".
BA: (sarcastically) So obviously there was nothing for it but to
steal his waste-paper basket as well.
G: Oh, I didn't steal it, sir. You see, I had to think fast-
BA: Hope you didn't strain yourself.
G: -so I told him I'd come to take out his garbage.
BA: Ah. And the milk?
G: Well, I'm sure it's here somewhere.. I was in a bit of a rush,
what with my brush with the enemy and all... (pats at his pockets,
dropping the basket, which empties itself all over the floor.) Oh,
I'm sorry, sir! (He drops to his knees and begins to pick up the
trash.)
Well, that's it so far. There are some underlinings, etc.,
that don't show up here, so use your knowledge and imagine how they'd
say the lines, please. Thanx! There will be more later, I expect,
just as soon as I get around to it.