Well, okay. It's not exactly the rules. After all, we're talking about something being written by a fellow whose romantic career has been... less than exemplary, shall we say? But, it's bits and bobs I've come up with, especially in talking things over with friends recently due to once again getting interested in someone and having it not immediately turn into utter bliss.
Ah, how many times have we heard this shouted at some poor anorak (harmless obsessive) who just can't seem to let go of their pet addiction? Most of us feel contempt-tinged pity for the poor fools who seem oblivious to anything but collecting stamps, or trainspotting, or studying fourteenth-century medieval warfare - and yet sign right on up to the Sad Bastard of the Month Club when it comes to love, complete with the free boxed set of 'Bad Poetry No One Should Write' and '101 Ways to Say "I'm a Sap"'. When you have Romeo and Juliet as a cultural icon of romance, the phrase 'Get a Life' seems rather trite.
Still, this is perhaps the most important advice anyone can take. No matter how interested in someone you are, you can't just dive on in, making them the end-all be-all of each and every day. After all, you need something to talk about, right? Doesn't happen if you spend all your time together. You have to have things that happen in your life that you can discuss and relate to each other.
It also lets off steam. What use is it to love someone else's company if you don't know what missing that company is like? And no two people, no matter how compatible or alike they are, like all of the exact same things in the exact same proportions. Or do you _really_ think that she enjoys playing Tekken for several hours each night?
Also, in a sad, manipulative way, it shows that you aren't desperate. The fact you have outside interests, outside things to do, shows that you can get on perfectly well without the other person - you just prefer not to. It's that old, well-used argument of want versus need. It's much, much better - and I know this from experience - to be wanted, rather than needed. Wanted is a choice, one that doesn't come loaded with requirements and expectations of action. Being needed has a great deal to it in terms of things you have to do for the other person, because they can't provide it themselves or can't do without it.
This also allows for the Consolation Prize category. Should things not end up happening or working out, the fact that you kept up your previous life - and hopefully didn't talk everyone's ears off about your relationship - means that you actually have pe ople you can do things with in the future. Most people don't like being abandoned every time you decide to chase a woman (in my case) or a man - it shows a lack of balance. And, after all, we all know that one of the best ways to meet new people is through your friends...
This is my personal bugaboo. I am not a patient man when it comes to romantic relationships. If the way I tend to handle relationships was compared to highway driving, I'm the fellow that your local law enforcement would always be pulling over for thinking that the accelerator in the car is an on-off switch - either not in use or fully pressed to the floor. Lead foot. Speed demon. Michael Schumacher doesn't hold a candle. Etc.
But, no matter how much you think you can break into the Formula 1 race of dating, pushing things at maximum speed isn't the way to go. Most meaningful relationships aren't going to start with racing ahead to the formal aspects of a relationship without getting to know one another. I shudder to consider people who go home with each other from the club without knowing anything about the other person's personality, likes, dislikes, personal phobias, or even what they prefer for breakfast. If nothing else, relationships should require the same cooling-off period as purchasing a gun in most states in the United States. Sure, it seems a good idea when you're hot and bothered... but do you really know what you're getting into?
I tend to dwell on things in my mind, build them up into gigantic proportion, and then melt down into a little ball in no time. It's probably because I'm a relatively repressed individual, not used to any large swings of emotion one way or another (any disputes with this statement can be given to me. Directly. And I'll bludgeon you until you agree with me). This is Not Good, with capitals. Why, you ask?
Because it labels you as an obsessive. Obsessives are bad. Obsessives cannot react rationally to emotional matters. Obsessives can hurt people, either emotionally or physically. They can become like one fellow, who's been contacting my cousin on a semi-regular basis for several years after she refused to have anything to do with him. Yes, I know, you look at the movies, and think it looks cute. Think again - most places now have laws against that sort of activity, and if you're remotely decent, becoming one of these poor souls is one of the most truly mortifying experiences you can have. Talk about shattering the self-image.
Think of it like cooking. If I'm baking up a batch of my 'dive bombs' (double chocolate chunk cookies, yum!), the only result of cooking them at gas mark 9 will be small charred bits of chocolate dough only good for a Palestinian to throw at Israeli soldiers. However, if I cook them at gas mark 5 for the right amount of time, I have confections suitable for use in bribing large numbers of friends and relatives. Now, I don't know about you - but until I join the intifada, I'll stick with the lower temperature.
If you don't overpressurize and overcook the situation, your relationship, potential or in place, will have time to grow and flower. Nothing happens in a vacuum, and nothing happens in an instant. Let it grow, let it develop. Get to know the person, and let them get to know you. After all, they have just as much of a right to see what they're getting as you do to see what you are trying to catch. That process also allows you two to see that you are both interested in each other for each other, and aren't some sort of raving maniac.
How to deal with this one? Don't expect immediate results. Indulge liberally in Rule Number 1 - Get A Life. Not too much - you do want to show you're still interested. But do other things. Don't hover over her, being there all the time, no matter what the time. Do other things. Put other parts of your life forward as being important, and do them - even if that can put you out of doing some of the things you could otherwise be doing with her. Allow some time to lapse between seeing each other - a day or a few can really bring home how much you wish you were seeing each other. As opposed to you both wishing you were not seeing each other, and won't they please just go away!
We all know Cary Grant. Suave on screen, the man exuded charm. Hair always perfectly in place, clothes always perfectly tailored unless he's been diving through some cornfield in the middle of Illinois. He knew the right drink to have - and to order for the lady, too. Never a fashion faux pas, always the master at being the best example of sophistication you could imagine. This man could charm the ladies left, right, and centre, with the right compliment, the right gallantry, the right whispered phrase.
Now, look in the mirror. Does that look like Cary Grant? I hate to be the one to break it to you, bub...
In the real world, that doesn't work. Well, yes. It can. But it shouldn't. More importantly, if you're reading this, it isn't likely to work _for you_. You are more likely to come off sounding like some Turkish rug dealer from a B movie from the forties, slimy, lewd, and frankly somewhere farther down on the evolutionary scale than your everyday common garden slug. How's that for a comparison?
There is a certain art to seduction involving complimenting a woman in such a way that most women these days recognise all too well and want no part of. It's often erroneously attributed to Mediterranean men, though I've seen Germans, English, and Americans try it too. It takes a certain knack, a certain arrogance, and in my opinion, a certain contempt for women to try it. I don't think I'd _want_ the type of woman who would go for it.
Now, I'm offbeat, often disconnected mentally, and awkward at the best of times. While that sounds bad, it's also my charm, so we go with what we have. And that, my friends, is the exact point I'm making. Women are just as quirky, if not more so, then men. But what they prize is getting to know your quirks. Honestly is immensely flattering. Telling someone they look beautiful because you happen to think they do, rather than as some pickup line, does amazing things for your standing in their eyes. Being who you are, and trusting them enough _to be who you are_ is just as flattering.
This doesn't mean you have to sit around grouching about the last sporting match you happen to see and scratching itchy parts of your anatomy. That's not honest either. What is needed is to show how you honestly feel. If you are interested in them, what they have to say is important - so show you're listening. Respond to what they have to say - if they've any respect for you, they'll listen when you in return have something to expand on, or take a position opposite to whatever they're saying. Even if you agree, nodding to show that, or saying something to that effect shows that you heard what they have to say, and that it actually got processed by that grey goo called a brain that resides between your ears.
Want to know something? Ask a question. Just make sure you listen to the answer. Don't like something they're doing? Tell them - politely. Feel a certain way? Tell them, but in a respectful fashion. You will be amazed what credit it does for you to be able to sit down, without some massive emotional hyperbole but with intense, deep sincerity and meaning, and tell someone that you are interested in them as more than a friend and wish to know how they feel about you. Don't declare your undying love, don't wail about how you can't live without them - because, let's face it... you can. Or else you're in that obsessive category we discussed above, and therefore don't deserve them. What you are doing is letting them know precisely where you stand - no hyperbole, no exaggeration, no untruths. Provided you've picked a good one, they'll give you the same back in spades.
Ever Star Wars? I'm sure you know the scene - the Rebels are attacking the Death Star, and Gold Group is making its trench run in their spiffy little Y-wings to hit that exhaust port, while Luke and the rest of the X-wings are chopping their way through the TIE fighters above. Remember the radio traffic for that scene? Let me paraphrase:
Gold Leader: I can't get a shot
Wingman: Stay on target...
Gold Leader: I can't manoeuvre!
Wingman: Stay on target...
Gold Leader: You're too close!
Wingman: Stay on target...
Gold Leader: Loosen up!
Wingman: Stay on target...
Meanwhile, dear old Gold Leader is doing his best to imitate the nine o'clock fireworks show at any Disney amusement theme park you can name. Pull this stunt, and your intended love interest will likely blow up - but you'll be the one to get incinerated.
This is probably the hardest part for most people. No one likes being helpless, or waiting for someone else to make a decision. We all want to just say that one thing more that will cause the clouds to part, the sun to shine, and everything to be all right. Surely, there's just that one phrase we're just about to find that will convince them that we are The One, that everything will be All Right, and that they can indeed find happiness and contentment in your arms...
Hate to tell you, but the road to hell - or the exhaust port on the Death Star, depending on how much your life is wrapped up in LucasFilms - is paved with exactly those sorts of good intentions. You can be doing wonderfully to convince someone of the rightness of your cause, but belabour the issue so much you end up annoying them to the point where you put yourself right out of contention. More is not better. More is just... more.
I'm not saying you should back off from everything. Anything but. If you have an objection to something, make it - otherwise you're just a sap. If you have a point to make - make it. But do not, under any circumstances, just keep nattering on. That shows a disrespect for your intended, as she will see it as you not believing you heard her, and that you think she can be convinced simply by sounding like a broken record player.
Take for instance one of those hypothetical situations when you've broached the possibility of a relationship with her. She's interested, but lists off a few reasons as to why now is not a good time - and why it may never happen. Contrary to some people's beliefs, you are allowed to register objections to these reasons. However, you have to do so in a specific way. You can answer these points cogently - make your response to the point. Make it reasoned, without whining, yelling, or other such cheap emotional ploys, and actually address the points they bring up. Make your point while fully accepting their reason as valid - do not blow it off as specious. After all, they are convincing _to her_. Telling her in not so many words that she can't reason her way out of a paper bag is not a good start to a relationship! Finally, make your points only once. There is likely never going to be a conversation where she is listening more intently to you than in those moments - so make them count.
Bringing it up again at another time does you no good. You are not, as much as it would seem you are, trying to convince her at the time to date you. It's unlikely to happen. The idea of dating someone is, obviously, an emotional one, and emotions don't tend to change just by snapping the fingers. She will need time to mull over what you have to say, to mull over her feelings and how things have been changing between you lately, and mull over what changes in her life this will bring. It may take hours. If so, count yourself lucky. It may take days. It may take weeks. Or months. Or even years - though by that point it's likely moot. But it _will_ take time, and you need to be patient with it. Pushing it will only label you as obsessive, or obnoxious, or as a cretin. Or all three.
An addendum to this. Don't push your friends too much. Yes, talk to them about the matter - but try to keep it to when you need to. Otherwise they won't be nearly as willing to listen to you after several sessions of playing the Boy who cried Wolf. Even if they are still willing to listen, they won't be in a position to give you nearly as good advice, much as a soldier who's been on watch for several hours is not nearly as effective as one who's just taken up his post.
I once had a girlfriend who would begin the most blazing arguments with me over what seemed to be the oddest things. Say a special event in our mutual lives had come up. I'd perhaps get her flowers, and then take her to dinner. The night would seem fine, but she'd get more and more angry, no matter how witty or charming I might be, no matter how good the food was, or anything else I could do. Then, later, when it was much, much too late, I'd find out what my sin was.
Simply put, I'd not followed the script.
In nearly all of these cases, my fault was not what I had done, or even having forgotten to do something I'd promised to do. It was for having not somehow read her mind and done what she had imagined the night would be like, and I would do. I'd have gotten her roses, instead of Irises, or picked the wrong restaurant, or not greeted her in the exact way she liked. Every time, her Rudolph Valentino would muff his lines, and turn out to simply be me, played in a special performance by me, and with Warner Brothers absolutely refusing to negotiate a change of actors for the current film.
This is a warning about expectations. Simply put, the more you have, the more likely you are to be disappointed in a big way. Having reasonable ones is fine - being surprised at being treated politely by another human being is standard, and showing such surprise makes people wonder about your home life. But making expectations about how someone will react to your romantic advances is a great way to get yourself in trouble.
Expecting the girl to swoon at your feet the instant you even hint at liking her is ludicrous. If they do, I'd check your wallet. Moreover, expecting such a reaction will set you up for one large emotional fall. Building up this amazingly rosy picture in your mind is like creating any complex piece of art - getting it shattered hurts like hell. The point of expressing your interest in a relationship is to demonstrate your willingness to invest in them as a person. If you've invested in some fanciful creation of your mind, you are missing the point.
Thinking too optimistically in that way is bad - it can even make you arrogant. But don't write the script as a failure, either. That creation can affect how you go into the conversation - so if you think she's just going to turn you down, she likely will if you let yourself act like it's a foregone conclusion. Part of showing that interest and having that conversation is that you are confident enough in yourself as a partner that it is actually a decision that she needs to make, as opposed to being an obligation on her time by asking her a question that you yourself have already decided is a 'no'.
In short, don't freight the possibilities with too much emotion. Consider it a mystery in life that you wish, out of sincere curiosity, to have answered. I am interested, therefore I want to know if you are interested. Don't turn it into an arrogant request for a rubber-stamping of your decision that you two are in a relationship, and don't turn it into her having to console you for being inadequate as a human being. Make it straightforward, make it respectful, make it from one equal to another. After all, we are talking about romantic relationships, which should be about two equals dealing with one another. If you had something else in mind, you're reading the wrong piece of work.
The key to this whole wonderful world is enjoying what comes of it. If you are trying for a true relationship with this person, you should be enjoying her company as a friend as much as you would enjoy her company as a partner. So enjoy it! Take the time of getting to know her as a person and as a friend and make the most of it, enjoying it all the while. If you can't enjoy her company in a situation where you're not in the midst of full-blown loving, you have serious problems that have to be worked out, fast. If you can't let go of control enough to account for anything that comes up... then you shouldn't be asking to share your life and control thereof with someone else - anyone else.
... and don't do it in order to make another 100 million dollars at the box office. I don't care how much you enjoyed the wire work in _The Matrix_, the horror films of the eighties and the umpteen 'Rocky' movies should have convinced everyone that sequels merely for form's sake or for another buck are just wrong. Mel Brooks was spot-on with his line in _Spaceballs_: "And hopefully we'll meet again in _Spaceballs 2: The Search For More Money_."
No matter how dire the film industry is in rehashing good movies into dog food and tossing them back into the cinema-viewer's trough, there is a glimmering of a good idea in this. Simply put, when you ask your interest if she is interested in a relationship, you need to make sure that there is actually able to be the follow-on period after the question.
Let me put it another way: you do not live in an sit-com where the screen will fade to black with a laugh track going when you find your way to inform her that you want a relationship. You'll still be there, right in the middle of thing, as will she. No 'cut!', no pause button - and no rewind and no edit. However much you may be cringing inside and desperately wishing to rewind your life just a few precious seconds.
This is the part where you consider the short-term, medium-term, and long-term consequences. Love is great, as is the thought of it - but have you actually thought, or are you caught up in that rosy glow that usually involves fanciful creatures such as pink elephants running by at the edge of your peripheral vision? Much as I enjoy Fantasia - the old version - I wouldn't want to live in the movie. If you haven't stopped to consider things rationally, it's time to start.
First, the short term. Are you asking her in a way that's not going to leave one or the other of you so embarrassed or angry that a 'yes' is not a possibility? However nice the emotion is, sending it over via a stripper is not likely to win you any points. Nor is taking more time than the current session of Parliament to get your speech out - Jimmy Stewart didn't look so hot by the end of 'Mr. Smith Goes To Washington', and there's good reason why. Each person is different, so you have to make the pitch appropriate to the person who it is aimed at. Some people find gallantry wonderful, while others wretch and look for the gong to bang to get you pulled offstage. It's the same for any sort of approach.
Similarly, pay attention to where and when you do it. The situation is just as important as the general state of your current friendship with the person. Asking a gal on a date while the other guy is on his knee proposing to her is usually considered bad. In all honesty, though, think about it - if you've been fighting all day over something or other, it's not usually a good time. In general, if it will merely add stress to the person's life rather than being something positive, don't bring it up. There are better times, and you are needed more as a friend than as someone trying to change the current situation - which requires them to be strong.
Know when to end the conversation. This has been covered earlier, but is important to know. If she says yes, well, no worries. But if you get a qualified statement or a no, you need to make it possible for a graceful exit with no one being hurt. Don't just stammer something out and high-tail it out - that's rude. Be adult about it, let conversation go elsewhere or just drop if that's where it happens. Say goodbye when you go - show that you have no hard feelings. This is immensely important. Just because they can't always take you up on your offer doesn't mean they are personally insulting you. It just means they aren't taking you up on your offer. _Nothing more_.
Now the medium-term. This is the next few weeks or even months. Again, a 'yes' is easy to deal with - you have the relationship and go on with life. If it's qualified, you have to figure out that balance.
Do you wish to continue showing interest? Know before you ask the question about the relationship. If you get that qualified 'no', with reasons given for not taking you up despite your both being interested in each other, you need to know where you stand. If you wish to continue showing interest, make sure that she knows you will do so, and make sure that this is acceptable to her. Doing so puts all your cards on the table and makes it so that there are no misunderstandings whatsoever. It is not asking her to change her mind - it is merely a request on your part to continue courting her in a gentlemanly, relaxed manner, giving her the option to bring back up the possibility of romance if she wishes it.
If this is welcome, consider carefully how to do it without stressing them by being too close, how to keep showing your interest by not dropping away entirely, and how you can relate to each other while waiting in limbo. Do _not_ bring up again the question of relationship. The fact you're still flirting and talking with her and showing that interest that you were just before asking is enough to show the question is still there. But it's in her court. Don't bring it up for a couple of months, at least - otherwise you're a pest.
Be very careful here. It is all too easy to read into everything after this point and truly screw up your friendship, let alone anything deeper. It is utter hell - trust me, I know. But it can be worth it. Eventually, you will either lose interest, they will tell you to stop - in short, move things to a 'no' - or they will take you up on your initial request for more than friendship. But it's in their court.
If they do say no, you need to know how to conduct yourself around her in the future. If you are good friends, very little should actually happen, unless you made it so awkward in asking that she'll always feel the awkwardness. After all, a good friend doesn't like causing their friends pain - and if you make it difficult, she'll feel the fact she's causing you pain, thus causing the awkwardness. Know where you stand - whether you can continue being friends, or whether you need to escape for a bit before taking the friendship back up again. Whatever you do, don't make it so that there's bad feeling. That's just handling life badly.
In the long-term, everything is a different ball-game. Your intent for this should be to make anything possible, really. If you get a 'yes', I sincerely hope you're still operating under the mandate of that answer for a very long time. If you get that 'no' - things can change over time. But wait a long time, so that things can change. You would be amazed what six months can do, or even longer. Just make sure that it is a long time - your feelings need to change too, or at least move with time and not simply remain frozen in that previous moment. As for the qualified 'no', make it so that should at some point she changes her mind, she can come to you, or so that she'll be good friends with you and cheer you on when you find someone else. Should you still be interested in her later on, and you've been courting away for a long while without her telling you to quit... says something, doesn't it? You'll have figured out if you're getting strung along by a certain point. Just be sure to be able to acknowledge when things aren't going to change.
Dating is hell. I have never undergone anything that can make my heart pound as wildly, my lungs seize up so dramatically, or my brain fry in a pan as much as trying to get that girl right there - no, the one just to the right there - to agree to go have a coffee with me. I have made nearly every error possible for a guy to make while still staying with legally and morally safe grounds in trying to get that question across, and I'm still here, and still trying. I've even succeeded a time or two. The final point: don't give up hope. I've done so numerous times, and have been proven so, so very wrong. You may have found 'the one' - and may do so repeatedly. I have, much to my own amusement. My experience has taught me that there is a different 'one' for nearly every time in our lives, and that it is a rare (but wonderful) thing for one person to be that for all those times. Do not despair! There will be more chances, more opportunities, more people in your life - and finding all that out and learning from the experience of doing so is some of the best entertainment out there, not to mention good for getting your heart rate up for long periods of time. Give humanity a chance - you'll be surprised at the results.
Now, m'dear... how about a cup of coffee?
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ccandy@chs.cusd.claremont.edu * Updated 10 Apr 2001